These Phrases from A Parent Which Helped Us as a First-Time Father

"I think I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the truth quickly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her chief support while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to addressing the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a larger inability to talk amongst men, who often absorb negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a show of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a pause - taking a couple of days away, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have consistent male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to things that don't help," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, tell a friend, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I think my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."