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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.